Book: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.

Great book! It’s short and straight to the point.

In summary, we should emphasize more with other people and understand what they are really trying to say. Sometimes we don’t communicate well and it’s up to someone to find out what is the problem and raise the right questions.

This book feels even more important now that we have more people working remotely. Remote communication is even harder than face-to-face, so it’s important to have a clear message.

Here are my raw notes about the book:

  • Non-violent communication is about contributing instead of fighting
  • There are other ways to make things happen than violence and punishment
  • Keep separate observations and evaluations. Example: instead of saying: “eat well or you will have bad health” say “if you don’t eat well, I think you may have good health”
  • Instead of using: “Willian is a bad player” use “Willian did not make have any 3 point shoots in this match”
  • The word “feel” is usually misused. “I feel misunderstood”. Being misunderstood is not a feeling but a judgment of how people will understand
  • Responsible == response-able. You’re only responsible if you’re able to do something, if you’re in control. You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings — 💭 I would like to quote this many times IRL. It’s worth mentioning that this is not an excuse to be an idiot.
  • We don’t usually think about our needs. We think: “What is wrong with others that our needs are not being fulfilled?”. If we’re compassionate about others, we will understand what they are saying even if they are judging and attacking us by not understanding their own needs.
  • Don’t use: “You misunderstood me” or “I was misunderstood here”. Instead, use: “I think I was not clear, let me rephrase that” — 💭 This is something I’ve been using a lot and it’s very useful
  • If you don’t ask for exact topics you want to hear from people, you may receive feedback you’re not interested in. Instead of asking for people’s thoughts, ask for their thoughts about something in particular
  • If you don’t know what the OP is expecting from something he/she is sharing, ask them: “What do you expect from the group by sharing this?”
  • We should empathize with people when we ask for something. Using phrases like: “Are you willing to do something” instead of " I would like you to do something". In the first case, we are requesting and the second may look like we’re demanding
  • Let us become the change we seek in the world — Mahatma Gandhi
  • It’s important to change your language to state that you do things because you want, not because you have to. The author’s grandfather used to think differently about paying taxes. He immigrated to the USA from Russia and they felt contributing to a government they believe, so paying taxes not bad, but part of this belief
  • It’s not the behavior of other people that causes us to be angry, but how we perceive it. Example: someone is late for a meeting. You may feel angry because you think you’re wasting your time. You if were wishing for some time alone, you would feel good because the other person is late
  • We should always justify anger by our own feelings. Instead of “I’m angry because they/he/she did that” we should use “I’m angry because I’m …”. Other people’s actions are just the trigger, not the reason