Book: The Sleep Lady’s Good Night, Sleep Tight: Gentle Proven Solutions to Help Your Child Sleep without Leaving Them to Cry-it-Out by Kim West. Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.

This is not a book I read because I was excited to read it. It’s a book I read to make my nights less bad and try to understand how to improve the life with babies. I read this after a friend mentioned it had sections on how to deal with multiples.

The book was quite useful. I’m not applying the shuffle yet (and don’t know if I will) but I got a lot of small tips on how to deal with certain situations. The feeling is that I can read my children better now that I have more information, and that’s a good thing. :)

I suggest reading (not listening to) this book, so you can take notes while reading and use it as a reference material. I listened to the audiobook and had to pause a lot of times to take my notes, which you can read below. Maybe I will also buy the book, so I can use as reference material during the next years.

Here are my raw notes about the book:

  • No single method works for all babies. What may work for one, may not work for the other
    • 💭 — Yeah…
  • Sleep coach is subjective and requires you to find what works best for you
  • co-sleeping is OK if you’re OK with that
  • babies before 4 months haven’t yet developed their [[Circadian rhythm]]
  • Before 3 or 4 months babies do not produce melatonin
  • it’s all about how you, as a parent, is confident about the way your children learn to sleep well
  • Babies need routines, at night and during the day
  • We have to be aware of why our babies are crying. We have to strike the right balance in comforting them and let them comfort themselves
  • Be consistent with your children and remember they don’t understand time (it doesn’t matter if you only do something after X time).
    • If you decide to do a certain method, keep it consistent and make your children understand why things are happening
    • This method is good, but consistency is the key for all methods.
  • Sleep shaping
    • You are only the coach of your children sleep. You can’t do it for them, but you can give them the right incentives
  • 0-5 months (mostly is documented here, I’m not taking notes of the repetitions in other chapters)
    • acknowledge any needs your baby has, even if you you can’t deal with it right now
    • The bonding with your baby may take days, week, or even months. You’re not a bad parent if it takes time. If it’s taking a long time, consider looking for help.
      • Me: What about a year!? 😬
    • Start putting your baby to sleep a bit awake instead of totally asleep
    • Feed your baby when they wake up. You don’t have to do it when they are going to sleep every time
    • The five S’s to put a baby to sleep (search for it)
      • Sucking is important in the first months
      • Do not instantly “replug” the pacifier if the baby spits it out. They may be trying to communicate something
      • avoid using music or white noise until the baby sleeps, use it to set the mood and reduce the volume until it’s off, and before the baby sleeps
      • avoid lights at night whenever possible, especially blue ones (e.g. LED)
    • How to know if your baby is “attached”
      • They look for you when he needs support
      • They stay home with other people but looks for you for support
      • Your children is happy to see you after a period of absence. They greet you openly
      • Your child delays gratification, even if it’s easy for them
      • Your child is responsible to discipline. It shows they trust you on how to behave property
    • Bed time is the time to be fully emotionally available
      • Putting down your phone during bedtime stories help with emotional availability. Be truly focused in your children.
        • 💭 — that’s very hard to do :(
      • Let the children choose if they want to read during betime
      • Don’t even bring your cellphone to their room, be fully present with them
      • Understand their crying. If they are crying is because they need something. If you ignore it, they will not trust you to help with their problems.
    • Get to know your children
      • When children is very alert, it’s hard for them to sleep because they will have some sort of FOMO and don’t want to miss out anything.
      • The 9 temperament characteristics
          1. Sensory threshold, stimulation
          1. Activity level, motor activity
          1. Intensity, expressiveness of emotions
          1. Rhythmicity (apetite, sleep and wake cycles, and excretion)
          1. Adaptability, how they adapt to changes and transitions
          1. Mood. Serious, cranky, and so on.
          1. Approach/Withdraw, how they adapt to people and environments
          1. Persistence. How they continue a task despite disruptions and challenges.
          1. Distractability. A child’s concentration and focus.
      • Taking care of high alert children
        • Take them to a quiet and dark environment
      • Babies have much more REM sleep
      • We have to teach babies to deal with partial arousals. They have to feel safe when they wake up so they can get back to sleep again instead of crying for help, which is all they know how to do.
      • Put the baby in their crib drowzee but still awake. If they fall asleep in the first 5 minutes, they were probably too Drowzee. They must feel that they are secure there.
      • Create a log of your baby’s sleep routine. What time did they sleep? What did you do? What time did they wake up? What did you do? How was your sleeping routine? etc.
    • The sleep lady shuffle

      • It’s important to put the baby to sleep in their own room and start distancing away from them, increasing the time and distance slowly.

      • Sit down at the side of the crib and be prepared to comfort them from time to time (not constantly). Use the “Sh” method and don’t let them sleep with your touch.

      • Don’t let they hold your hand or finger or they will wake when you leave, pat a different part of their body.

      • Parents shouldn’t exchange roles when doing sleep coaching. If they do, consider doing after hours, not minutes.

      • To wake up the babies, show the light somehow so they can distinguish day and night

      • If your routine requires driving, try to do it when the baby is alert so they will not get used to only sleep in the car and create the wrong routine

      • Bed time prep is different than bed time routine. Start to prepare for bed earlier

      • Try to avoid letting the baby sleep with the pacifier because they may wake up at night without it and cry asking for help. That happens because they can’t plug it back together themselves or can’t find it. Avoid repluggieg it every time.

      • Avoid picking the baby up as the first thing you do when you get to their crib. First try the Shh-Shh method and patting on their back. Give them some time to realize they can do it themselves.

      • Avoid patting all the time because you will not be close in the next stage, and it will not be a good idea to go get close all the time to do that.

      • For multiples, the advice is the same, babies get used to their siblings making noise 🙄

        • If they are too noisy, move the good sleeper to a different room temporarily, in a portable crib if possible. They usually adapt well.

      • If you think your baby really needs to be picked up and they calm down as soon as you do it, they don’t really needed to be picked up so fast.

      • Teach your baby to replug the pacifier by themselves. Do this during the day and keep the pacifier close during the night (if they are not already sucking it). If they persistently can’t find the pacifier, try to buy one that glows in the dark

      • co-sleeping is OK if you choose to do it. It’s not OK if it’s the only choice to make your baby sleep. It’s called reactive co-sleeping.

      • be sure there’s no more than 4 hours between their nap and time to bed

      • The morning nap shouldn’t be more than 1.5 hours

      • Naps should follow the shuffle in the same way as the night. They should be in their crib.

      • You should try the shuffle for one entire hour and they should sleep at least 45 minutes and wake up alert. If they don’t, try the shuffle techniques to try to get at least 30 minutes more

      • Do your best to make both babies nap for 3 hours a day. If one baby disrupts the nap of the other, try to separate them for naps (not night time). Naps are usually harder to get used to.

      • Do whatever you have to do to get enough nap time, if you have to let the shuffle go just for the nap, do it. You will still be practicing the shuffle at night and having a less tired baby helps a lot

  • 9-12 months
    • babies this age require 11 hours of sleep each night + 3 hours of naps (total) during the day
    • Introduce a lovie into your baby routine. It may help at night.
      • It’s better for them to hold the lovie than your finger
      • Hold the lovie close when bottle feeding them
      • Play with the lovie
    • some babies get too attached to the bottle with time.
    • Sleep Lady’s shuffle
      • When patting, be sure to not do it all the time until the baby sleep. Do it in intervals (e.g. 20 sec patting, 60 not patting)
      • Sometimes a baby looks for food (breastfeeding) just because it’s the only way they know to sleep.
      • If your baby throw the pacifier, don’t return it right away. Ask them to lie down and when they do it, you may retrieve it. If they do it again, you can say it’s the last time you will do it, and do the same as you did. If they do again, they will not have it until they sleep.
  • 13-18 months
    • Goals: average of 11:25 hours of night sleep. 2.5 hours of naps, spread over 2 and transitioning to 1 nap.
    • On 15-18 months they transition to 1 nap. It’s a difficult situation because usually 1 nap is not enough and 2 is not possible anymore.
    • routine is important
      • if they wake up early, lunch around 11:30 is a good thing
      • 1 hour morning nap around 9:30
      • afternoon nap around 13
      • 6-6:30 bedtime preparation
      • 7-8 in the crib
    • If your baby wakes up later it’s OK, just be sure they are sleeping around 11 hours at night.
    • The morning nap should be 2-3 hours after they wake up. Let them sleep no more than 1.5 hours.
    • Reading physical books is great to set the mood for sleep. Babies can learn a lot about reading from bedtime stories.
    • Do not go into the game of making the baby to lay down just to see them standing up again Keep tapping the mattress and wait for them to lay down.
    • Head banging (hitting the head against stuff) may be a way for the baby to deal with pain (e.g. teeth). Be sure to not reinforce the behavior if you notice they are doing this to get your attention
    • Daytime rules are important to follow so night time rules will also work. Do not ignore rules during the day and try to use them during the night
    • When a toddler start protesting about things, try to reassure you understand their emotions and teach them how to deal with them
    • You don’t need to give them a bottle before sleep anymore. They will not need this for sleep.
    • In this age it’s time to start using the cup and depending less of the bottle, especially if you feel your baby is becoming too attached to it or needing to such to sleep.
    • When you get to the step where you’re able to let the baby sleep while you’re not in the same room, be sure to increase the time of your checks.
    • If you baby needs a bottle to sleep, start changing the bottle for a sip cup.
    • 💡Remember you don’t want your child drinking milk at bedtime indefinitely because it’s bad for their teeth.
    • The baby should not be in your arms to sleep, they must learn to sleep by themselves
    • Pediatricians recommend getting rid of the pacifier between 18 months and 2 years. If the baby is too attached to the pacifier, try to change their attachment to a lovie instead. Some families keep the pacifies only for specific occasions (doctor, naps, sleep, etc.), avoid keeping it around all day.
    • Don’t make your kids sleep later so they will wake up later, this rarely works. They usually wake up earlier and have poor sleep.
    • Multiples
      • Don’t run too quickly if one baby wakes up, there’s a chance they will get back to sleep and will not need you there. You may be just reassuring their need for you. The other baby may just ignore their sibling, they are used to it
        • 💭 — Not always the case… but the author needs a “general rule” to add here, it seems.
      • If possible, move the cribs closer, so one parent may get access to both while doing the shuffle. It’s even better if there are two parents available.
      • Use the voice for the shuffle more than the touch whenever possible
      • If there are more than one parent, both must be in the same page and doing the same thing
      • If one baby is waking up the other, it’s OK to separate them as an exception while doing the shuffle.
      • Twins may transition to 1 nap differently and you may have two different schedules for a while. Be sure they will have enough napping time even with different schedules so your night will be better during the transition.
      • 💡 prematures may have Sensory Processing Disorder. A symptom includes sensitivity to loud sounds.
  • 1.5 - 2.5 years
    • Sleep 11:15 hours at night. At age 2 they sleep around 11 hours and 2 hours during the day. Close to the age 3 it drops to 10:30 hours at night and 1.5 hour during the day.
    • Avoid keeping the child up so the family can eat together. Feed them around 18:30.
    • Create a good routine to not make the bedtime a fight of wills.
    • Be mindful of the time with your child and let them participate in the bedtime routine be e.g. turning the light off.
    • If your toddler starts jumping out of the crib, do your best to make the job harder to delay moving them to a bed, which brings some other new challenges. Remove stuff from the crib that may lift them up.
    • Do breaks to get your children ready to sleep without you, but come back to check every 5 minutes until they sleep. Always keep your promises.
    • In some reactive co-sleeping situations, the husband ends up in the couch.
      • 💭 — I can totally understand why, but WTF.
    • Children at this age still need good naps, even if they think they don’t. It may be hard for them as it’s hard for some adults, but keep a good routine and be persistent.
    • The whole napping and sleeping routine brings me back to [[book/The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business]]. It’s all about keeping the right cues for the reward.
  • 2.5 -5 years
    • Goals
      • Between 2 and 3 average night sleep drops to 10.5 hours a night + 1.5 afternoon nap.
      • 4’s need 11.5 hours of night sleep but do not need the afternoon nap anymore. Encourage 45 minutes of quiet time in the afternoon though.
      • 5 yo sleep 11 hours at night. 45 minutes of quiet time are still beneficial in the afternoon.
    • Aim for a sleep schedule of 8PM to 7AM. Waking up at 6 is quite common, adjust it if needed.
    • Use games and stories that prepares for sleeping, not the ones that stimulates them (faster games, scary stories, etc.).
    • Having a light clock helps to show your children when time it up and they have to sleep.
    • Teach your children how to relax. Meditation (or any other way of relaxation) works well.
    • When the grade goes below the child’s chest while standing in the crib, it’s time to move for a bed. It usually happens around 2.5 yo.
    • When moving your child to a bed, make them participate in the whole process of preparing it. It will help a lot with expectations.
    • Be consistent with the number of times you get back to their room after getting them in their bed.
    • The excuse me drill.
      • Is a technique to go out of the room for a few seconds with an excuse.
      • you must go back in a few seconds and praise the child for staying there and doing what they supposed to do.
      • It’s not easy (or quick) to get things right, but it’s useful.
    • Get your children involved with the changes and improvements that must be done. It may feel like a game for them.
    • Avoid removing stuff from their life (toys, computer, etc.) and focus on positive reinforcement. Give new experiences if they do things well. Remember you don’t have to buy stuff, it may be something simple as having more quality time together.
    • Children do better when they understand what is going on. Make sure to explain the whole process to them.
    • Be present for your children. If they are having a hard time sleeping, hug them and make sure they understand you will be there until they sleep.
    • Don’t get your children back to their bad if you wake up and they are there. Count to three and say you will leave the room if they don’t go by themselves. The plan is to get them to do it.
    • If your children still relies on a bottle, pacifier, or rocking to sleep, it’s time to get rid of it.
    • Avoid having more than 5 hours between the nap and night sleep to avoid “night terrors” and early risings.
  • Co-sleeping
    • I recommend keeping the baby in their crib for the nap and only co-sleeping in the bed during the night sleep if you decide to do co-sleeping. It is better for the children and the parents (who may have more freedom to ho stuff).
    • To transition the children to their room, start doing things there (napping, playing, reading, etc) if they are not doing it already.
    • You can start napping the baby by putting them with their lovie in the crib and checking every couple of minutes or stay with them until they sleep, it’s up to you.
    • Co-sleep in their bedroom a bit and start the sleep lady shuffle.
    • If you’re baby is having nightmares or anything like that, be close and do whatever needed for them to be safe.
  • If the children come to your room at night, don’t ask if they had a nightmare. Don’t plant the idea if it’s not already there.
  • Reflux may have an impact in sleep.
  • check sleepeducation.org
  • Sensory disorders have a higher risk for children born prematurely or children with autism. A child and will be diagnosed with SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) if this is influencing negatively their social or personal life.
    • Symptoms:
      • Sensitivity to sounds (vacuum cleaner, a lot o people talking, etc)
      • Too tight or too lose fabric
      • Sensitivity to light, especially florescent lights.
      • Avoidance of physical contact.
      • Very specific taste to food texture. temperature. etc.
  • Check childhood101.com
  • Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
    • Affects 1 in 59 children in the USA.
    • Some children have very mild symptoms, while others suffer more from it. When you met 1 person with autism, you just met one person with autism. Symptoms are unique.
  • Routine busters
    • Communicate to your children before a routine breaks and mention it will come back later, it will help them to be aware of the context and cooperate.
    • If the child just started having a good sleep routine in the crib, try to postpone any travel that may change that for at least 3 weeks.
    • There’s no way to travel light with small kids anyway 💭 — noooo 😩
    • Always bring the lovie and night light. Pack favorite books and toys, some families even pack crib stuff (blankets, etc) too.
    • When traveling, try to keep the baby routine as similar as possible to the one they have at home.
  • There’s yoga for babies, she mentions how to do that in the accompanying PDF (that comes with the audiobook).